I’m feeling a bit of demon time may be in order this afternoon. It’s been a while since I’ve reconnected with them and they always assist my best work.
My self worth has been improving markedly over the last week. I’ve got a new fuck buddy who is super low maintenance, one of my supervisors just spent an hour shooting the breeze with me and basically told me I was one of his best employees, I had a store meeting this morning and now I’m pumped about whole foods again and after that talk with my supervisor I think I’m ready for my job review which means hopefully a raise and then maybe a shot at a supervisor position soon. I’m feeling pretty great, life is what I want it to be right now.
The carpets in the apartment are officially clean. I rented a rug doctor and spent a few hours being grossed out by the dirty water that was coming out of it every time I emptied it. Things smell lovely and clean now and I can comfortably move into my room.
Being triggered sucks. It never gets any easier to force myself to eat when I’m bad. I’ve gotten better at doing it but it feels like stabbing myself in the gut every fucking time. I keep asking myself why I bother trying, why I haven’t given up and I keep coming around to the same answer. I don’t ever want to need someone to save me like that again, I won’t do it. I won’t put myself in that position again. I will keep all of this shit away from everyone and handle it my fucking self.
What the hell. The smell in my room is back…
I’m getting really tired of not having my altar and stuff set up. I haven’t done anything witchcraft related in a month and it’s driving me nuts. I need furniture. I think I made arrangements to have a set of bookshelves built for me via my weird succubus effect last night. I’m pretty much just not going to tell Lilith no anymore. When she tells me to use sex to get what I want I’m just going to do it, it always works.
Speaking of Lilith, she’s suddenly popped up in my life again. Usually she takes a rather peripheral sort of position but she’s made herself very present for the last few days. I think I know why but god damn does she make fighting my disorder hard. She always brings a surge of power and motivation with her and while it’s wonderful there’s a heavy dose of self destruction waiting under the surface of that wave.
Deities are not static. Some demons, ancestors, fairies, and spirits graduate to deity status over time, always have. They aren’t unchanging. In the late 20th century Lilith made herself known to tons of new followers. She came to them differently than she came to people during Medieval times. A few old books don’t change the little revolution that happened.
ridgeline bear creek, telluride, co.
I think I finally got all of the nasty smell out of the room I just moved into. It took me four days but I’m pretty sure I did it. I’ve got a bed again now that the room is habitable and it feels amazing. Best night of sleep I’ve gotten in a month. Now I just need to go get some bookshelves and I’ll be able to unpack properly.